Gil Hates Everything

(A Bunnee Hates Television Review)

& now a new thirteen part series of EXCELLENT BUNNEE POSTS

it’s bunnee in “bunnee liveblogs doctor who season 3 from 2007 because galen iz too chicken to watch it himself”

episode one SMITH & JONES ah a title with resonances yes indeed

who can forget alias smith and jones with the cowboys

or alas smith and jones with the jokes

or alackaday smith and jones where they’re not funny

or alan-a-dale smith and jones where they meet up with robin hood

or alias smith and smith where smith decides jones iz a loser and that his own reflection would be funnier

hmmm bunnee got distracted SPOILERS this will happen A LOT particularly if the episode haz a boring

the cry goes up “you iz bored ALREADY BUNNEE you haz not even started the first episode” yes this iz why bunnee haz a bored, fat panda haz not started the video

start the video fat panda before bunnee invents something else

ahhh here we begin

so as you will recall this season follows on from the doctor meeting catherine tate as a/the runaway bride

so he iz off on a travel on his own but donna (for that was her) tells him he should not do that

we commence with introducing the new companion SPOILERS it will be martha

compare with intro for rose which was v dynamic & fast cutting & skipping through an entire day

here martha gets phone calls from everyone in her family as she iz sauntering to work

efficiently setting up numerous dramas & relationships

(future bunnee pops in to say don’t worry too much about this, most of it doesn’t matter and in particular nothing about martha’s sister will make sense, you just watch)

(well technically that izn’t future bunnee that iz just bunnee but imparting spoilers of a “bunnee saw this decades ago & loves spoilering you” disposition)

(mostly bunnee will be attempting to act like 2007 Bunnee in these liveblogs but occasionally the urge to annoy you will prove irresistible)

anyway all v human & normal

then the doctor shows up and says “like so, see” and takes off his tie

martha might have wondered if this typical london mental case was about to strip off completely

but fortunately the madman wanders off

so she arrives at her workplace which iz a hospital

she iz evidently a junior doctor (LOL see what russell did there) as she iz part of the entourage doing the rounds with a smug doctor (not THE doctor, just A doctor, the indefinite article so to speak)

there iz an old woman with a salt deficiency BORING moving on

to her confusion the doctor (THE doctor, not just… etc) iz in a hospital bed but denies being the nutter who began the world’s least sexy striptease earlier

this inexplicable contradiction will never be explained so just forget about it

the doctor’s anatomy confuses martha further (settle down)

& the doctor (the ‘the’ doctor) annoys the doctor (the ‘a’ doctor) by talking about meeting ben franklin & getting electrocuted by his kite

srsly the doctor needs to stop interfering with famous historical events on earth

bunnee suspects this planet would be more like level 3 rather than level 5 if the doctor hadn’t invented static electricity, mavity, the mona lisa, medicine, grapes, the great fire of london etc etc

or actually maybe it would be level 10

anywaysaroonie

the plot now starts with martha’s sister reporting that the hospital haz its own personal storm clouds & the kids iz getting shorter & the rain iz falling upwards

and with an expensive special effects shot involving two actresses throwing themselves around a room while the lights flash and the camera shakes

the hospital iz suddenly on THE MOON as can be seen by a picture of the moon outside the window

(there iz actually then one real fx shot of the hospital sitting on the moon & one of a big pit in the middle of london but in general this iz workaday bbc moneysaving)

(strangely the hospital still haz power)

everyone haz a panic (as you would) except martha who haz a sensible

at this point the doctor appears & starts doctoring & very noticeably iz testing martha’s skillz

she acquits herself well

& in passing mentions that her cousin died in the last season finale in case you had a confuse about how this woman had a different job & also died in the last season finale (it iz the same actress you see, she impressed the production team & they cast her as the new companion) (OOPS SPOILERS)

she assesses things calmly

perhaps a little too calmly

& when the doctor says he iz the doctor just the doctor yes people call me that she says “you have to earn that title” which iz refreshingly you don’t impress me wide boy

now at this point bunnee must prepare you for the arrival of the greatest threat the doctor haz ever faced

daleks cybermen ice warriors yartek leader of the alien voord all iz put in the shade by prepare yourselves

THE JUDOON

bunnee knows you iz overwhelmed with fear and horror

so she will just take a moment to mention that the old woman we saw earlier who had a salt deficiency iz apparently some kind of space vampire with two assistants dressed as motorbike couriers & she murders the ‘a’ doctor & drinks his blood probably

and now back to the relentless judoon action

in march hundreds of judoon played by about 12 actual judoon

one of whom un-helmets to reveal a fat rhino who speaks only in words ending in o

ho no crow whoa throw mow sow l’eau dough that kind of thing

they iz here to catalogue the humans & mark their hands with felt tip pens to indicate successful cataloguing hmmmm they iz fine with everyone being human what iz the meaning

the doctor + martha arrive & of course the doctor iz in raptures about the hospital having a little shop will he just drop it

but he iz anxious because of the whole looking for someone nonhuman vibe the judoon iz projecting with their adorable rhino horns and bad posture

off go many judoon to catalogue everyone on every floor

someone attacks one & gets sentenced to death & executed, all v judge dredd

& important to see as the doctor tells martha the judoon might execute the entire hospital for harbouring a fugitive

they haz wiped the computers so martha goes off to ask the a doctor but he iz currently experiencing being dead & the woman who iz now holding a bloodstained straw dispatches one of the motorbike guys to kill her

a chase ensues oh the excitement of running down corridors oh no he haz trapped the doctor & martha in the x-ray room they iz doomed he will surely oh the doctor just zapped him with a souped up x-ray machine HARSH

the doctor disposes of all the extra radiation by hopping until it goes into his shoe which he then throws away

martha says “you iz mad” and he agrees and throws away his other shoe problem solved

the plot unfolds: the old woman haz drunk the a doctor’s blood because she iz an internal shapechanger & can now seem human to the judoon scans

& indeed at the moment the doctor works this out she iz being catalogued & marked with an approving X from the judoon sharpie

oh dear now the doctor iz the only verifiable alien in the hospital AN EXCITING CONFRONTATION WITH THE JUDOON SEEMS UNAVOIDABLE

and to bunnee’s mild surprise happens about eight seconds later

a squad of three space rhinos scans the doctor and mostly for the benefit of martha announce that he iz non human

at which point they execute him by completely failing to shoot him & lulling him into a false sense of security which will get him killed by something completely else 32 episodes later, bit of a long-range plan but that’s the judoon for you, deep strategic thinkers, & there’s you thinking they iz dumb space rhinos, wow the joke iz on you bunnee feels bad for you & your racist assumptions

moving on

martha sensibly observes that even if this plasmavore (the old woman’s real name, unusual but that’s londoners for you) haz pretended to be a human she would still get killed along with everyone else in the hospital so WHAT IZ HER PLANNNNNN

no doubt you haz applied yourself to working this out to compensate for yr appalling racism four lines ago & you haz concluded that her plannnnnnn iz to get the judoon to take the doctor

OH DEAR TOO LATE the doctor worked it out before you (no doubt he was not distracted by guilt re racism against space rhinos) & gives martha a big kiss before running off to the mri room

mri does not stand for Martha Runs Interference btw or Martha Rebound Interaction for that matter but that kiss was a bit of a mistake as it sets up the whole season’s “she loves him but he haz a sad about rose & does not notice” thing

as it happens martha iz running interference because now she shows up as sliiiightly nonhuman thanks to the doctor’s dna on her lips

if bunnee was martha bunnee would be a bit tumpy about the risk of the judoon shooting first & doing a full scan later

but fortunately martha iz the new companion & iz probably safe for at least the next 9-10 episodes so the judoon do the scan first

giving the doctor enough time to confront the plasmavore while pretending to be an idiot (bunnee will be more specific, a human idiot)

the plasmavore reveals her plan

which iz to step up the mri machine so it can fry everyone’s brainstems for 250,000 miles (note: this iz far enough to reach half the earth, stakes iz suddenly v high)

except her as she will be magically safe in the mri room just go with it

the doctor suspected this (so much for you correctly predicting the plot, srsly you iz racist AND rubbish at predicting plots, what iz the point of you)

& iz setting her up to believe the judoon iz doing deep scans on everyone

so she decides she needs a top-up dose of human blood

& oh look here iz a human she can stick her little straw into & suck dry

of course we know she haz DOOMED HERSELF

sure enough in come the judoon with martha

and in short order the judoon haz executed the plasmavore and iz now withdrawing on account of the plasmavore having turned on the rigged mri machine before getting executed

v public spirited there, judoon

let the humans all get brainstem-fried

martha iz left with a v dead doctor and will now take up crusading for peace and justice in the doctor’s shoes (doable, she knows they iz in a bin on the floor below)

but before setting off to do so

she attempts to revive mr corpse there

and through the thoughtful recollection that he haz two hearts

she gives him double cpr & uses her last oxygen to revive him HURRAH he iz not dead martha will haz to just be his companion instead

a v groggy doctor fixes the mri machine by turning it into a yacht (bunnee musical theatre joke there)

but then they all die of oxygen starvation

bunnee iz sorry this series ended so suddenly – oh foiled again

at the last moment the judoon put the hospital back on earth and all is well

and the doctor just leaves, bit rude, so much for martha being the companion, fooled everyone there russell

bunnee cannot handle all these reversals of expectation

let us have a final scene where martha’s family haz a big row in all directions

oh the doctor haz returned! you know what iz about to happen

she doesn’t believe the tardis can travel in time

so it’s time to explain that bit from the start of the episode where he takes off his tie in front of Earlier Martha and announces “like so, see?”

this seems to make her mind up** & she decides what the hell let’s do it

the doctor makes very clear this iz just one trip as a reward for her basically solving the entire episode

and off they go for what turns out to be at least twelve

man for a time traveller he haz a rubbish at counting

next time: more witches than you can shake a speare at

exit quiz! a new bunnee retro liveblog feature enjoy:

– the moon famously haz 1/6 earth gravity so how iz everyone in the hospital walking and running around like they’re on earth NO DO NOT SAY IT IZ BECAUSE THEY FILMED IT ON EARTH

– how does martha doing cpr revive the doctor considering he iz dead because the plasmavore DRAINED ALL HIS BLOOD

– as a final year medical student martha haz done 7 years of training so why does she put the stethoscope into her ears the wrong way around, the stems must face FORWARDS so they actually go into yr ears otherwise you won’t hear anything BASIC STETHOSCOPING MARTHA YOU LACK IT

** slightly surprising as what martha sees iz the doctor going into the tardis which then vanishes and reappears and he steps out having taken his tie off

he could have just walked up to her back then and acted weird, then lied when she asked him about it in the hospital

she iz v accepting of this v implausible time travel biznai for someone who made so many rational deductions through the episode

just a little bunnee thought-carrot for you to munch on

ok that’s enough give it back

GIVE IT BACK IT IZ BUNNEE’S CARROT