Gil Hates Everything

(A Bunnee Hates Television Review)

bunnee liveblogs doctor who season 3 because galen iz too chicken to watch it himself

episode two THE SHAKESPEARE CODE

well bunnee will get straight into it

first: a cold open straight out of the first episode of buffy

we iz in LONDON 1599 with a lot of buildings on london bridge bunnee always likes how that looks more bridges should have houses & shops

that bit izn’t buffy but the bit where the young man suiting a pretty young woman turns out to suit her as a snack

bunnee stretches metaphors like weight

we iz apparently in the realm of vampires or witches with sharp teeth or feral dentists no doubt we will discover which in due course

course being about the right word for what’s happened to the harmless young man as in he haz become one

pause for tardis getting flung around in vortex with noisy music

martha iz getting her one trip as a reward for episode one

she does the big grin of half amazement and half not quite going mad v well

here we iz on a london 1599 street

it looks like they spent about 1599 on the set decoration

but on the plus side

they haz THE GLOBE THEATRE which haz just opened

– bunnee historical sidenote

the globe theatre was reconstructed on its original site some years back thanks to american actor sam wanamaker

he emigrated to the uk because he was worried about the communist show trials of the 1950s

reasonable enough as he was actually a communist

& then he actually made the effort to bring back this symbol of england’s theatrical history

facing immense scepticism & opposition from english actors and particularly the local council and even english heritage

he started a fund in 1970 for it and put his own money into it as well as fundraising

sam wanamaker died in 1993 but was able to see it under construction at least before it was opened by the queen in 1997

it iz a moving story of heroic personal endeavour and sacrifice

and frankly bunnee iz of the considered opinion that it shames england that it took an american to do this

end of bunnee historical sidenote hop hop –

so martha gets to watch a play

we rejoin them during the applause for the cast

nice special effect shows the place absolutely packed

again v moving bunnee tips ears to mr wanamaker

shakespeare takes a bow

& a sinister vampire witch woman prob. also a werewolf who knows anyway she iz watching and does that voodoo that she does

and suddenly mr shakespeare iz promising a sequel to the play they’ve just seen

which was love’s labours lost

so now he says tomorrow night will premiere the sequel

love’s labours one

bunnee haz a confuse, surely it would be love’s labours two but then bunnee izn’t shakespeare no doubt he will make it work

the cast haz a surprise because they thought this was due next week

martha haz a knowledge, she thinks there iz no such shakespeare play

the doctor haz an exposition, he explains it iz the Great Lost Play

martha haz an entrepeneur, she says let’s video it & flog it back home for millions

the doctor haz a no

martha haz an abashed

we now join shakespeare in the inn with two grumpy cast members and an incognito werewitchvamp doing the sweeping

in gallops the doctor but shakespeare izn’t having it with fans tonight but then he spots martha & suddenly will iz down to chill

they iz exchanging some bantz (and shakespeare can see the psychic paper iz blank lol)

in marches a tumpy master of the revels

– you didn’t know there was someone specifically for organizing small chocolates? once again bunnee brings you knowledge –

who refuses to let the performance happen tomorrow unless he sees a script but will ain’t finished it so the controller of smarties says he forbids the performance

in fact he will get a banning order IF IT IZ THE LAST THING I DO

the incogwitchno scuttles out too

oh dear

bunnee haz a suspect that the captain of skittles

like elf from gauntlet

iz about to die

sure enough the vampress does a voodoo & the commander of brazil nuts dies of internal drowning

that’ll teach him to try to lock away bunnee’s chocolate

frankly bunnee would have drowned him based on his threat to ban chocolate

what

no bunnee thinks she was following the action quite closely thank you for asking

anymundo

a bit more banter but this time more serious as shakespeare iz intrigued by the doctor + martha

(the doctor haz said martha comes from ‘freedonia’ lol that iz from the marx brothers HAIL HAIL FREEDONIA LAND OF THE something AND something else bunnee forgets)

and then shakespeare sits down to finish his play

while the doctor proceeds to ponder witchcraft & science & what’s going on

while having absolutely no idea how he iz irritating martha by not picking up on her obvious signals of infatuation

and then saying “something’s staring me right in the face and i can’t see it”

while they’re lying down on a small bed facing each other

and then adding “rose would know”

ROSE WOULD KNOW

LITERALLY TO HER FACE

and then “ah well i’ll take you home tomorrow” & he sits up again

martha iz mysteriously all of a sudden mega tumpy with him

human females huh who can penetrate their moody natures

well he can’t as we haz just seen

martha blows out the candle with the expression of someone who wishes witchcraft was real and she was doing a voodoo herself

time for a brief bit of vampwerewitching

for it seems the witches haz a definite must that shakespeare finishes his play & performs it tomorrow

some urgent deadline

so the incogwitchno voodoos shakespeare to make him write SOMETHING MYSTERIOUS in the script bunnee wonders what it iz

and she murders someone else on the way out

result: loud screams, the doctor’s doorbell

& martha sees a witch on a broomstick flying off through the night

it’s all looking a lot like what if bewitched but evil and there’s three of them

mmmm three elizabeth montgomerys

bunnee would watch that

three evil elizabeth montgomerys

bunnee would watch that three times

but it iz probably not evil bewitched

no-one ever makes the tv shows bunnee actually wants to watch

meanmorrow

they go off to look at the theatre & the doctor works out a bit more of the plot

apparently the theatre haz 14 sides bunnee forgets which agon this iz

it was specially designed with 14 sides by the architect who then went mad and babbled about witches so much that he iz now in bedlam

(which martha doesn’t know what it iz

that seems unlikely

everyone knows what bedlam iz let alone a final-year trainee doctor)

so off to see him they trot

while the actors rehearse the new final scene and it turns out the voodoo bit iz probs some kind of summoning ritual

as in the middle of the theatre a giant bad special effect appears and foolishly moves its arms a bit to ram home its cheapness

oh dear

it iz at times like this that you realize the vfx company which does doctor who iz called ‘the mill’ because so much of its work is run of

anyways we join the doctor & co at bedlam

you may know bedlam from its reputation for people going there to laugh at the maddos (but that was later)

they fetch out the architect so the doctor can do a vulcan mind meld with him

the incogwitchno detects this presumably because she made him design the theatre as a fourteenagon and then probs made him mad

and she dispatches one of the other witches to deal with the doctor

the witch she sends iz called bunnee kids you not DOOMFINGER

DOOMFINGER

it starts so promisingly and then throws it all away

the architect tells the doctor exactly what bunnee just predicted

and then (in a quite nice bit of editing)

DOOMFINGER MANIFESTS

it turns out she lives up to her name for she haz a finger of doom & stops the architect’s heart with one touch from the FINGER OF DOOMFINGER

who’s next, she hisses

oh you can see what’s coming can’t you

no?

well that’s because bunnee haz foresight whereas you haz fivedumb

no bunnee iz not cheating by having watched this in 2007

and anyway that’s a long time ago bunnee might have forgotten

anyway the doctor works it out alien female power through words fourteen AH OF COURSE I NAME YOU CARRIONITE v dramatic DOOMFINGER disappears in a flash of tump

ooooh dear the vampwitchweres aren’t pleased about this

another encounter iz strongly boded

meanwhile the doctor works out the rest of the plot

the carrionites iz going to take over the earth somehow by using the globe as an energy converter somehow by using the end of the play wot shakespeare wrote somehow

on reflection bunnee thinks the doctor iz a bit vague on the details here

but we iz clearly beginning the final act so let’s rejoin our heroes that night as love’s labours one iz premiering and bunnee still thinks shakespeare doesn’t understand numbers

the doctor & martha iz heading to all hallows street where the architect said the witchvampnesses live

while will goes off to stop the play

presumably by yelling fire in a crowded theatre

(bunnee loves that actors quietly inform other theatrical professionals of a fire by remarking upon the presence of “mr sands”

so as to avoid a panicked stampede by the audience

of course the audience might start to think oh no it’s mr sands

whenever he shows up at a theatre a fire breaks out

he iz like theatre’s top arsonist why haz he not been arrested anyway PANICKED STAMPEDE

ahem)

but sadly shakespeare fails to stop the show because there iz two witches in the audience and they haz the voodoo that they do and now we haz an unconscious shakespeare and the play proceeds oh dear the earth iz doomed bunnee iz all aquiver

anywayagon

the doctor plus one arrives at all hallows street

(can YOU guess what iz about to happen, avids? what evil lurks in the hearts of witches? THE BUNNEE KNOWS eeek bunnee haz scared herself never let bunnee do that again)

they confront the incogwitchno who uses martha’s name to knock her out

there iz some neat touches here as of course the witch can’t discern the doctor’s name

but she does use rose’s name to annoy him which works really quite well

& then snips his hair and does a voodoo of the type that they often do

& stops the doctor’s heart

note heart

she manages not to notice he haz two OH YES BUNNEE PREDICTS LIKE A PREDICTING MACHINNNNNNE

amusingly martha also spots the loophole here and doesn’t fall for the doctor’s obvious gambit of lying there hoping for a lifegiving snog lol eeza lad innee

she restarts the stopped heart and off they rush

the actors get to the end of the play and recite the magic words which open the portal to carrionite city

and sure enough out buzz approx 58 carrionites but thankfully they iz doing a vortex so we iz saved from them looking as ratchet as the one we glimpsed earlier oh drat one of them just zoomed up to the camera to confirm that they look like escapees from knightmare circa 1987

the doctor encourages shakespeare to freestyle a bit so the magic of his words shuts down the carrionitevasion

end of plot

the three witchagons iz trapped in their glowing ball of getting stashed in the tardis’s attic where they won’t cause any trouble

bit sudden and still several minutes to go bunnee predicts some light bantz

sure enough shakespeare haz worked out that his new besties iz all about space and time he iz a genius after all and as an actor he will have read the script

but wait

one more surprise!

queen elizabeth (the first) (spoilers) shows up because she wants a royal command performance literally she iz going to command them to perform it’s a queen thing

but she sees the doctor and suddenly she’s all off with his head

time for a quick run through the streets pursued by the queen’s archers

“what did you do!” screams martha

“i dunno i haven’t met her yet!” screams the doctor

spoilers: he mistakes her for a zygon and then disappears when he’s supposed to be marrying her but that doesn’t happen until 2013

next time: father dougal meets the face of boe selecta in heavy traffic

exit quiz a new bunnee retro liveblog feature enjoy:

– why iz martha so excited about being taken to see love’s labours lost it iz BORING and INCOMPREHENSIBLE

– the doctor and martha drop lots of shakespeare lines into their dialogue as you might expect but why does shakespeare announces “i’ll use that” each time INCLUDING FOR THE ONES HE HAZ ALREADY USED BEFORE 1599

– bunnee can’t think of a third question this episode iz pretty good that way